PDS Finally Resting

Rest in peace my friend. I know in my heart you are with the Lord in a much better place. You will be sorely missed by those left behind.

Feeling Guilty

I was lying in bed last night watching a movie with my husband and he decided to go check on our three sons to make sure they were settling down for the night. As he was gone I paused the movie and looked to my left at pictures I keep of my sons. I keep their newborn pictures on a shelf and I also have pictures of them that were taken in 2006.

Now I don't know about the rest of you but when I go to bed at night there has got to be some kind of distraction to keep the wheels in my mind from turning. For the most part those wheels are passing over all the things I am worrying about regarding life in general. In the silence I looked at the picture of my youngest son. It is a rather handsome photo of him taken while he was in head start. All at once I could not help but think that this particular photo was taken before he developed type 1 diabetes.

The feelings I keep tucked deep inside about this started to come to the surface and the strongest emotion to rear up was guilt. Oh my gosh this is all my fault. I should not have given him those gummy fruit treats when he was little. My ignorance got the best of him even before the diabetes because the poor kid needed serious dental work at the age of four.

I have not read much literature on diabetes for the simple reason I can't read it without crying like a baby and who is that going to help? The reaoon I mention diabetes literature is because I think I read somewhere that a possible cause is too many sweets as a child. I didn't buy those darn gummy treats for my older sons but I did buy them for my Sean, he's my last baby, as if that is a good excuse.

On top of this my goofy brain keeps bringing up a terrible thought. It's the kind of thought that comes from left field and just pops in there almost as if someone had whispered it in my ear. Where does that little voice come from and why does it always have bad news? Anyway this thought was in regards to things mother's think in moments like these. Sean is my third son and was a bit of a surprise. I can't put into words all the thoughts that ran through my mind but any person in my shoes can probably understand where I am going with this. PLEASE don't get me wrong, Sean is a blessing and one of my greatest gifts and I would split myself in half if I thought it would make diabetes go away.

Of course we all know it won't but I can't help thinking things like this. I am fortunate to have a very supportive and wonderful husband who is always there to comfort me not to mention my little four pound chihuahua who would not leave my side the whole time I was crying.

I guess the whole point of this was to get it out of my system, at least until the next time. It would seem that it is going to take a while to really learn to accept this but I am only human and take it one day at a time. My mantra is 'it could be worse' and Lord do I know that.

I have friends and family members who are dealing with much bigger problems than mine and I feel silly complaining amidst all of them. My family and friends are a great comfort and blessing to me and I am truly grateful for them.

My first blog

I have to be perfectly honest and say the main reason I created this blog was so I could keep an eye on my friend Daniel who was diagnosed with cancer not to long ago. He keeps a blog and because he is unable to take visitors he keeps everyone updated with his blog.

I have been happily married for over 14 years and have three wonderful sons with the youngest of those recently diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I will probably blog about that as well as life in general. I have found writing (or typing in this case) helps keep things in perspective and may even help you unload a little.